I Quit

“I Quit” were the only words that had filled my mind that afternoon. And I was choked and felt a lump in my throat. It was not the food that I was having that Sunday afternoon that choked me, but the words of my father. Rice refused to enter my throat and tears were rolling down my eyes and were adding more salt to the food and to the sore in my heart, as my childhood dreams came tumbling down – the dreams of becoming an Astronomer. “Will not my dreams come true?” , “What about all the sacrifices that I have made all these years and the efforts that I have put, were they for nothing?” were flooding my mind and were waiting to breach the wall of my silence. But I did not say a word to my father, who had just refused to send me to pursue Astrophysics. I got up silently, but crying within myself and went into the inner room and locked myself in. As if just waiting to see the world, tears came rolling down my eyes and I fell on my knees. The limitless times I spent on books on astronomy, quitting games and all entertainment, years of going without a new school uniform as I had spent the money in buying such books, all were filling my mind and were deeply disturbing me. “But I am not going to end myself as I had decided exactly two years from this day”, I said to myself.

What happened two years back?

I had wanted to do very well in my 10th grade board exams and was trying hard and just arrived the exams. But on the second day of exam, even as I was getting ready, something terrible happened at home. Accusations had turned into arguments and ended in screaming and swearing. Though it was not new, neither for me nor for my sister, it were all turning very wild. My sister and I shrieked at the panic. And it all happened in a second. Blood was pouring down from my mother’s head. I rushed her to a nearby hospital, where she was refused admission and we had to go to the police station, where they were unwilling to file a complaint. I lost all hope. Hope in me, hope in my parents, hope in the society, hope on the system and hope on God, if he even existed, as I was mumbling. As my grandparents came for our rescue, I rushed to the school as I cannot afford to miss my exams. Even as I scribbled the answers, my heart suffered within. And I wanted to quit! The results resulted in me resolving to live no more. I hated life and everyone and everything around me. Struggling with suicidal thoughts and not finding the courage to do it, I was waiting and wanting for my life to end – may be by the speeding bus or by the lightning. Every night I closed my eyes, hoping not to see the next day. But even that hope failed!

But something began to happen in my life that gave me hope and I began to hope beyond hopelessness! That same hope was what making me to live this day amidst shattered dreams. As Joy Lobo’s friend wanted to help him, there was this classmate who offered me help. Joy’s friend couldn’t understand that it was not his help in successfully finishing the model was needed, but he himself. But this classmate of mine, having understood that, started to talk to me, built relationship with me. And he had the understanding that it was not his relationship that would give me hope, everlasting, but my relationship with God. And one fine evening as He took me to a small gathering and the leader was leading the group in a song with these words,

“I will never leave you, I will never forsake you;

I am the God who sees you, I will keep you as the apple of my eye”.

The meeting ended, but these words continued to echo in my heart and mind. And as I went home, I locked myself in the room and as the profundity of those words struck me, I was crying and that was the start of my relationship with God – moving from hopelessness to everlasting hope; from suicide to salvation. And I wanted to LIVE!

Dear friend,

If you find yourself in this narration, you have hope! Don’t quit! There is a way out. I found hope in Jesus Christ. He loves you and cares for you, more than your friends. And He is the only One who can understand you to the best and can satisfy you and give you hope.

You might also be singing with Joy,

“Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain
Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again”

Jesus came to give you life, and that you may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:1-5 (ESV)

This is your chance to have life and hope! Talk your heart out to Jesus. If you feel like crying, cry to Him. His love will embrace you and His words will encourage you. Try to get a copy of the Bible and start reading it. He is the Sun (Malachi 4:2) and His word is the real sunshine that will guide you,

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119:105 (ESV)

Quit quitting and start living life, that Jesus offers!